to master a bully

The first vision that jumps to mind when talking about bullies is a big kid pushing a much smaller kid on the playground.  It is a valid perception.  Many of us can distinctly remember seeing it happen in the upper elementary and middle school years.  Some of us experienced it first-hand.  Our kids still see the big kid pushing down a little kid.  This is a universal sight all over the country, year after year.  It is a form of bullying (physical assault) which is easiest to see and define.

For this reason, the many other forms of bullying are harder to detect and understand, even while they are happening.  Take the relationship between and boy and his parents.  Both the mother and father are telling me about how their marriage is straining under the daily effort, fighting and confusion over what to do about Jimmy’s refusal to do his homework.  They have argued with the school principal and the teacher countless times over the last semester.  Jimmy just laughs when he is confronted by how much work his parents have missed, only to sit in anger-inducing parent-teacher meetings.

A bully and target relationship exists when someone is exerting a lot of energy and going out of their way to try to rectify the situation, when the other person is getting his or her way.  Jimmy doesn’t have to put in any work, and his parents are running in circles trying to figure out what to do.  It’s the same with peer relationships on the playground or in the hallway.  One kid targets another.  All the bully has to do is make a snide comment to the kid who is just trying to quietly make his way to class.  If this kid is taking the remark personally, then most likely it will trigger feelings of anger and embarrassment.  Now it’s up to him to do something about it.  He is left holding the bag.  Does he fight?  Does he redeem himself?  Does he go on a quest to find someone who can fight the bully?  Where can he go to find retreat and not have to be confronted by the bully before school lets out?

There are two parts to this type of relationship.  One person simply produces the problem and walks away.  The other person (s) is left trying to figure it out.  And what we as a society, with our anti-bullying campaigns do, is trying to stop the problem producing behavior.  We try again and again to instill reason into people who pick on others.  What we don’t do is focus on helping more people to engage in problem-solving and goal-setting.  Actually, a lot of teachers, administrators, parents and many other adults with their noble intentions are doing just what bullies want, which is to spend lots of energy.  We’re really just teaching them how to do the same thing, but in a more clever way.  As a professional counselor who works with children, teenagers and families, I see it all the time.  The bully and target formula is still at play and many people are being suckered into it.  It’s like watching a kid sit in the most comfortable part of the house with a remote control, turning the temperature on everyone else’s emotions and thinking.  Most of the family members are going nuts, wondering how this happens.

As I talk with the child’s parents, they show to me more and more about how his behavior disrupts the family schedule and household operations.  What stands out every time is a pattern of both Mom and Dad putting their own needs and goals on hold.  They put all their energy towards stopping the behavior or trying to get him to do something productive.  And it’s all done with pleading, yelling and endless reasoning.  I ask the parents “What would you like to do?”  I hear about the wish to have a relaxing dinner.  I hear about their goals and aspirations.  But they also tell me about what is done instead.  There is much aimless doing, with no true direction.  And, this is where I ask the parents again “What would you rather be doing?  How do you want to be treated?”  These things have to be clarified and established.

What it all comes down to, is the matter of where you want to put your energy.  For parents, there is the choice of whether you want to repeat yourself ten times before taking a toy away, or just taking the toy.  Using anger to get a point across is just useless work.  Instead, children can do work for parents, to earn the entertainment and free time they usually take for granted.  The only reasoning a child will understand is that everyone in the house has a job and disrespectful behavior only earns more boring jobs for however long that Mom and Dad see fit.

For the students at school or the young adults at work, there exist unique dreams and aspirations.  Since people don’t walk around with thought bubbles above their heads, these goals are hard to see.  But through encouraged dialogue, these are uncovered.  The desire doesn’t die.  It just gets covered up by self-doubt.  Is a little kid who struggles with the traits of Asperger’s responsible for his hunger for more friends?  Yes.  Who else will be?  Is there a professional counselor out there who can help him with this?  Yes.  There are thousands of them.  Do you want to know to master a bully?  Stay on track of building what matters and stop giving recognition to a bully’s behavior.

 

David W. Peace, Author of “Jungle Pack: Therapy Workbook and Journal

https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=978-1-62854-189-2

 

The Clock Sale

Real life experience in conducting therapy is what helped me write Jungle Pack: Therapy Workbook and Journal.  And through this work, I have been able to witness the many times people discovered more options and useful information.  It is, and always has within them.

We each have the greatest tools for problem-solving and enrichment.  Just by being human, we have the gift of endless routes to fulfillment.  But something happens in each of our journeys through life.  We start believing in what others tell us about the way things should go or how we should be.  We get busy and push stuff like personal strengths and successful behaviors further back into old memory.

It’s easy to do when you’re young and at the mercy of authority.  For someone who is five years old, pretty much every adult is bigger in size and able to hold back on needs and wants.  Can you see how negative or doubtful messages would be easy to buy?

The workbook and journal are designed with prompts I have used to help elicit from memory and thinking, the lingering information which helps build the map for a smarter journey.  It also helps to give documentation for later reference.

Something that might help you decide on purchasing this book is existing evidence.  One example of this the time-table and structure for living that most of us encounter.  In general, each student in the United States has nine months out of the year to complete a grade.  In each quarter of a school year, student performance is tested and the opportunity to  go to the next grade is determined by the teacher(s).  With only six weeks to go before the end of the second semester, how long will it take for a failing student to work his way to a passing grade average?

I usually see low self-image being a big factor with struggles in school.  Even if a child or teenage student is able to swim with the others now, a persistent issue with self-esteem and anger catches up.  In higher grades, the pressure to perform is greater.  A person’s academic ability has to contend with internal struggles and his or her experience with relationships to peers and authority figures.  This is a lot to consider when trying to get from upper elementary to middle school.  The same baggage tends to weigh much more when the expectations from teacher and parents are higher.

How about the example of the time clock.  Quite a few jobs require that you spend a certain amount of time in the same place everyday, earning money.  The money is needed to offset costs, tend to a personal quality of life and maybe even build on investments.  During the period on the job each day, you are required to meet standards.  Each year of your life is accompanied by inflation and age.  When is your earning power going to compete with higher requirements to pay for the same things?  And do you want eight, ten or sixteen hours a day of dragging around the same old’ issues with authority and peers?  How about sixteen hours times three hundred and sixty-five days?  Bills have to be paid on time.  Promotions are often decided on, right before an employee assessment period.  Remember the student who has six weeks to turn failing grades into passing?

In quite a few instances, we cannot afford to rely on the philosophy that says people have a lifetime to change.

Your boss, teacher and parents all have their own ideas.  Whether you are five, fifteen or twenty-five, the same reality remains.  Your personal issues will definitely compete with the adult-designed life of timeframes and standards for performance.