Good Behavior Requires A Smart Environment

We usually think of the environment in terms of the landscape, biological systems and the behavior of weather. In general, we prepare for what the seasons bring through the year. When in Oklahoma during the winter, it is wise to keep coats and window scrapers handy. In southern Florida, we pack the sunscreen. Each environment requires a certain plan.

The environments of home, school and work are also in need of a plan. The dynamics of a classroom or living room are brewing with personalities and expectations. Each person in the room has their own, which may entail a contradictory idea of what is needed for good behavior. But unlike the outside weather that we are at the mercy of, a system for goal-oriented behavior can be built.

Just as with the rain and wind, personalities will not be changed. However, the direction of behavior can be adjusted. In home, work or school we have the advantage of self control. For example, a mother of two young boys can make a choice as to how she is going to react towards misbehavior. This may take a certain degree of conditioning in therapy sessions, but it can happen. She is not fighting a tornado. She’s not changing atmospheric forces or the way bees pollinate. It’s all about change in her own behavior.

Our personal expectations can be adjusted when we take stock of the current direction and how much energy is spent on unproductive behavior. Upon review, we can see what good behaviors need to be encouraged more often. Whether with visuals or positive responses, the good behaviors can be systematically fed and conditioned to be a regular thing.

In quite a few cases, I have helped parents, caregivers and teachers decrease the rate of aggression and other negative behaviors through the method of starving them through lack of attention. It takes a consistent effort by the adult, but children eventually see how much of their own energy is being wasted on dysfunctional forms of action. Even teenagers have started to use wristwatches or clocks to help themselves increase good behavior. But the environment of home, school or work has to be constructed for such a demand.

The Big Feet of Ego

No matter where you are from or how you were raised, you have a personal set of values.

It does not matter what family you were raised in.

It does not matter what your parents and siblings like to do or don’t like to do.

It does not matter what your school colors are.  You alone have a unique set of values.

Your value system is what determines how you respond to situations in school and in social situations.

It determines how you handle things at work.  It doesn’t matter how many people are doing the same type of work, nor what the rules are.

Millions and millions of people raise kids, and there is a certain successful way to go about this, but whether or not you apply that certain way is determined by your value system.

If you don’t believe this, try thinking of something that irks you.  If it irks you, then it means that according to your way of thinking “that’s just stupid”.

If you feel angry, then most likely you are thinking about disrespect.  No one is cooperating.  You don’t get your “me” time.  The house doesn’t look the way it ought to be.  Other people in the home are leaving things where they shouldn’t be and you like a neat house.  Something like that. Or things are moving too fast.  You don’t get enough time to play video games, which is important.  Why can’t anyone else see this?

When a bunch of people are in the same room and not every single person is on the same page about what is “normal” or what is important, then there will be a reaction.  At some point, there will be reprisal.

For a kid in this situation, a good idea is to at least pay attention to what is important to the ruling adult.  To expect the kid to take on the same value system right off the bat is futile.  But for the kid to at least do what is “normal” for the adult to get along and not be targeted for misbehavior is a more reasonable expectation.

Doing things a certain way for a certain amount of time while in a certain situation in the presence of a certain adult is a more reasonable way for a kid to be able to get along.  Over time, it may become normal for him too.

Ego and values systems go hand in hand and ego has big feet.  With so many varieties of value systems, those big feet are easy to step on.

And this is why I wrote Jungle Pack: Therapy Workbook and Journal, to help you stop stepping on those big feet so much and to become more aware of how your own big feet sometimes get stepped on too.

https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=978-1-62854-189-2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6elow7Fk1s

 

Focus on goals or stress?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6elow7Fk1s

We equate stress with obstacles, so it is a natural tendency to wear stress like a pair of glasses, only seeing the very parts of life that get in our way.  What we end up missing out on, are the precious parts of life.

 

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to master a bully

The first vision that jumps to mind when talking about bullies is a big kid pushing a much smaller kid on the playground.  It is a valid perception.  Many of us can distinctly remember seeing it happen in the upper elementary and middle school years.  Some of us experienced it first-hand.  Our kids still see the big kid pushing down a little kid.  This is a universal sight all over the country, year after year.  It is a form of bullying (physical assault) which is easiest to see and define.

For this reason, the many other forms of bullying are harder to detect and understand, even while they are happening.  Take the relationship between and boy and his parents.  Both the mother and father are telling me about how their marriage is straining under the daily effort, fighting and confusion over what to do about Jimmy’s refusal to do his homework.  They have argued with the school principal and the teacher countless times over the last semester.  Jimmy just laughs when he is confronted by how much work his parents have missed, only to sit in anger-inducing parent-teacher meetings.

A bully and target relationship exists when someone is exerting a lot of energy and going out of their way to try to rectify the situation, when the other person is getting his or her way.  Jimmy doesn’t have to put in any work, and his parents are running in circles trying to figure out what to do.  It’s the same with peer relationships on the playground or in the hallway.  One kid targets another.  All the bully has to do is make a snide comment to the kid who is just trying to quietly make his way to class.  If this kid is taking the remark personally, then most likely it will trigger feelings of anger and embarrassment.  Now it’s up to him to do something about it.  He is left holding the bag.  Does he fight?  Does he redeem himself?  Does he go on a quest to find someone who can fight the bully?  Where can he go to find retreat and not have to be confronted by the bully before school lets out?

There are two parts to this type of relationship.  One person simply produces the problem and walks away.  The other person (s) is left trying to figure it out.  And what we as a society, with our anti-bullying campaigns do, is trying to stop the problem producing behavior.  We try again and again to instill reason into people who pick on others.  What we don’t do is focus on helping more people to engage in problem-solving and goal-setting.  Actually, a lot of teachers, administrators, parents and many other adults with their noble intentions are doing just what bullies want, which is to spend lots of energy.  We’re really just teaching them how to do the same thing, but in a more clever way.  As a professional counselor who works with children, teenagers and families, I see it all the time.  The bully and target formula is still at play and many people are being suckered into it.  It’s like watching a kid sit in the most comfortable part of the house with a remote control, turning the temperature on everyone else’s emotions and thinking.  Most of the family members are going nuts, wondering how this happens.

As I talk with the child’s parents, they show to me more and more about how his behavior disrupts the family schedule and household operations.  What stands out every time is a pattern of both Mom and Dad putting their own needs and goals on hold.  They put all their energy towards stopping the behavior or trying to get him to do something productive.  And it’s all done with pleading, yelling and endless reasoning.  I ask the parents “What would you like to do?”  I hear about the wish to have a relaxing dinner.  I hear about their goals and aspirations.  But they also tell me about what is done instead.  There is much aimless doing, with no true direction.  And, this is where I ask the parents again “What would you rather be doing?  How do you want to be treated?”  These things have to be clarified and established.

What it all comes down to, is the matter of where you want to put your energy.  For parents, there is the choice of whether you want to repeat yourself ten times before taking a toy away, or just taking the toy.  Using anger to get a point across is just useless work.  Instead, children can do work for parents, to earn the entertainment and free time they usually take for granted.  The only reasoning a child will understand is that everyone in the house has a job and disrespectful behavior only earns more boring jobs for however long that Mom and Dad see fit.

For the students at school or the young adults at work, there exist unique dreams and aspirations.  Since people don’t walk around with thought bubbles above their heads, these goals are hard to see.  But through encouraged dialogue, these are uncovered.  The desire doesn’t die.  It just gets covered up by self-doubt.  Is a little kid who struggles with the traits of Asperger’s responsible for his hunger for more friends?  Yes.  Who else will be?  Is there a professional counselor out there who can help him with this?  Yes.  There are thousands of them.  Do you want to know to master a bully?  Stay on track of building what matters and stop giving recognition to a bully’s behavior.

 

David W. Peace, Author of “Jungle Pack: Therapy Workbook and Journal

https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=978-1-62854-189-2

 

Free from Bullying!

I think of bullying as a repetitive cycle between myself and the person who targets me.  The other person does or says something which I take personally, and yet again I am hammered back into the little hole.  As I slowly raise back up, here comes that hammer again to knock me back down.   This little hole is a personal belief in where I fit among my peers and family members, at home, school and maybe even at work.  If I am currently believing in what other people say and what their actions mean, then the little hole is a cozy place that I dare not try to leave.

I can leave it any time.  I can leave the cozy little hole and know the hammer is nothing but a hologram made of somebody’s misguided attempt to control their own little corner of the world.

With the support of a third-party (professional counselor), I can begin to differentiate between other people’s beliefs and my own.  My goals are different from other people’s goals.  And I can come to be aware of the fact that any sort of belief is temporary.  It only lives to the extent of being fed.

The fitness of a life which I want to have is dependent on my own actions.  What I do to get out from under the hammer of a bully target cycle (which is organic and changeable) is to simply step onto my track and stay on it day after day.  I wave “bye bye” to the critical remarks which get softer as my purpose is being fed .

For any remaining doubts to stay small, I look at page 46 in Jungle Pack: Therapy Workbook and Journal:

The Daily Do It No Matter What assignment:

First part: My goal is to___________________________by (date)________________.

Second part:  Three things I can do on a daily basis which are related to preparing myself for this are:

1.______________________________________.

2.______________________________________.

3.______________________________________.

Three things that I am thinking will get in the way of doing these daily tasks are:

1.______________________________________.

2.______________________________________.

3.______________________________________.

Three ways I can set up my environment for a successful doing of these tasks are:

1._____________________________________.

2.____________________________________.

3._____________________________________.

 

Hacking Elementary Education

And by hacking I mean to carry out a beneficial change.  My reasoning is based on experiences with young people in counseling and some of their common challenges.  The first is that of social bullying in the classrooms, playgrounds and hallways.  The issue of bullying has grabbed attention in the headlines of newspapers and highlights on the evening news.  What we usually see are the end results of kids, teens and young adults who have come to the end of their rope after many incidents of aggression, humiliation and rejection from peers.

What we don’t see on the news is the subtle erosion of confidence and personal direction of kids who are erroneously guided by character assassination and detachment from relationships with supportive adults.  Something else that does not earn air time on television is reality of each student’s role in navigating the tide of emotional issues that others bring into the school environment.  Some kids have the upbringing that helps to cut through the pecking order drama and veils of insecurity.  But many don’t.

The typical school day is seven to eight hours long.  This may not include time on the bus trip to and from home.  Let’s say that the average period for a child to be in school is forty hours of the week.  Most people who work forty hours a week start to become acclimated to the nature of their tasks and place of business.  It becomes a habit.  Whether or not an adult likes their job, it trains the brain to do things a certain way.  The job becomes normal.  Expectations, no matter how these may seem are hardly as big of a deal, compared to the very first day.

A child can train himself to believe that he does not matter.  Whatever it takes to survive another day, will become the only expectation.  He starts to believe what other people tell him, without solid evidence to the contrary.  Day by day, the child hears from well-meaning adults “Why can’t you just shake it off.”

He doesn’t know how.  His training leaves out the part about relying only on solid facts, instead of the convenient and uniformed remarks about looks, ability and character.  This only leaves the influence of random thought and emotion.  A six or seven-year-old student is expected to handle powerful feelings of anger and confusion.  He is assumed to be a master of differentiating between truth and fiction, in the glib statements of observance that are driven by ignorance and passing thoughts.  Most adults cannot ignore the pressure of office politics regarding who gets the promotion and how the game is played.  There wouldn’t be gripe sessions at the water cooler if everyone blissfully accepted their lot.  Yet we expect elementary students to advocate for themselves, without proper insight into the art of self-advocacy and the jungle of emotional ups and downs.

As adults, we learn how to do our work and pay special attention to learning the required skills.  This ensures a smooth operation and flow of the job.  Such an expectation makes perfect sense.  Everyone gets paid for fulfilling their role and place in the company.  But employees are people who each have different needs and values.  Employees are more than a skill-set.  Each one brings their humanity to the job environment.  If needs and rights are being stepped on repeatedly and there is no insight into how to solve the problem, then none of the skills matter.  Anger and anxiety take precedence.  Cooperation takes a nose dive.  The employee who is supposed to maintain loyalty to his boss and company starts to think “What the hell am I even doing here?”  A preoccupation with hate and hurt feelings become more of an occupying priority than the attention to detail and continued learning.

Far from the classroom, we as adults expect children to face harassment from peers and continue to march through their lessons like good little boys and girls.  We shake our heads and ask why some children can’t get through the day without bullying others.  Student targets and their aggressors both struggle with the same problem, which is a poor understanding of how to stay centered in the midst of difficulty.  Environmental pressures from home and life are carried to school.  We expect children to wipe adult-sized conflicts out of their minds and get on with learning how to write and get along with others, no matter what.  Even if a lot of us are changing jobs in the effort to meet our needs and reduce pressure, we expect little kids to automatically find a way calm down and persevere through the year.

I hope to provoke some thought into the way mandatory curriculum is designed for the young minds we are trying to shape.  If elementary education is a primer for readiness in a tougher landscape ahead, can we consider academic skills to be only part of what’s needed for the journey?  Does it make sense to look at how management of self-doubt could lend to greater productivity?  Imagine if a child was able to recognize symptoms of anger in himself and put it in check until the work is done.  Imagine that he is able to reserve a specific time and resource for asserting his issues and be able to get on with playing.  Let’s pretend that a child’s regular education at school requires knowing how to describe personal strengths just as easily as he can tell the difference between red and blue.  He automatically knows how to relax and recognize stress in himself and others.  He knows how to say “I’m feeling angry” about whatever is triggering the emotion.  He is able to stay present and recognize facts, instead of letting emotion be the influence.

Please let me know what you think.

d_peace1967@yahoo.com

David Peace MS LPC, Author of Jungle Pack: Therapy Workbook and Journal

https://www.tatepublishing.com/bookstore/book.php?w=9781628541892

The Gem Dressed As “Irritating”

Stress in the family, classroom or workplace usually involves the interaction between people.  Behind every action and reaction, even if by the bothersome deed done is by a lower animal, there is a human being behind it.  We who are capable of thought and goal-orientation are the very force that makes the world go round.  Without the very gift of voice and purpose, there would be no reason for wondering how someone could come up with such dastardly behavior or things to say.  Nothing would exist.  We would not get to witness and experience innovation.  There would be no such feeling as “sweet relief” at the end of a challenge.  Where would it come from?

There is an open invitation to explore the vitality which produces a child’s impulse to speak loudly or pound on the table.  Something of real substance has to exist in order for anyone of us to have the feelings of irritability.  What we usually pay attention to is the immediate discomfort that has arisen when “too loud” sounds are made.  The effort to investigate and see the source of noise comes dead last.  To make noise, means to have the energy and courage it takes to encourage attention.

How much of our day is being devoted to trying to stop discomfort and to fight powerful emotions?  How much of the day could we spend recognizing the energy and life that does happen?

The Navigating Element: My Likes and Dislikes

To begin the renewed search for a healthy balance in my day, I only have to list 5 likes and dislikes.  It’s important to keep in mind the parts of life which bring me to a place of appreciation and gratitude.  The hard part is maintaining an awareness of such things in the midst of everyday challenges.  My thinking goes on a problem-solving mission and life becomes more about reducing stress.  When this happens, the little pleasures, calming activities and valued connections with others are hidden behind the obstructions.   The list of likes written in black and white is a very handy reminder.

My list of dislikes serves as both a beckoning call for adventure and a sometimes a detour sign for when I need to stop and retreat.  Sometimes I get into the habit of avoiding a healthy action due to the expectant discomfort.  Making a certain phone call (dislike) could be the step which turns a stressful situation into a problem resolved.  A compliment made to a person who I usually treat with indifference might turn into a friendship.

But there is also the value in paying attention to personal boundaries and what situations take my energy.  The phone call which repeatedly brings on negative words and arguing may be considered an unecessary waste of time.  In order to do my part in making a change, the period of this call will be purposely limited or avoided all together.  I make the choice.

The Present

Often times we discount some of the most obvious ways to cope with stress.  It may have to do with the age-old saying about how hard one has to work for something to finally pay off.  We project our thoughts of success well into the future and don’t pay attention to what works today.  This is why I love to run in the morning.  It’s kind of hard to ignore such an exercise in letting go and making such a change in mood.  To run four miles without stopping takes my solid effort right at the moment.  Besides the benefits, I cannot very well deny such an accomplishment.  I can also choose to make a point to rent and watch a funny movie which happens to help melt away the stress.  The instant decision to take control of my stress is another present accomplishment and treasure.

Treasure Comes In Different Forms

Often times we discount some of the most obvious ways to cope with stress.  It may have to do with the age old saying about how hard one has to work for something to finally pay off.  We project our thoughts of success well into the future and don’t pay attention to what works today.  This is why I love to run in the morning.  It’s kind of hard to ignore such an exercise in letting go and making such a change in mood.  To run four miles without stopping takes my solid effort right at the moment.  Besides the benefits, I cannot very well deny such an accomplishment.  I can also choose to make a point to rent and watch a funny movie which happens to help melt away the stress.  The instant decision to take control of my stress is another present accomplishment and treasure.