My Effort To Help Kids Understand Assertiveness

Assertiveness is based on the process of using the facts productively.  We can get ourselves into trouble when a report on the facts (what is really happening) gets mired in our emotional experience and belief systems.  For example, if I am telling Sally that her jacket was stolen by a named person, and I didn’t actually see this happen, there can be some trouble coming my way.  Maybe it turns out that Jack (the person I named in the accusation) is not the person who took the jacket.  Sally misplaced it.  Now I’m considered a liar and in trouble with Jack.  Furthermore, I have just discredited myself in front of peers and maybe even some adults.  An example of attaching facts to emotion, would be saying “You took Sally’s jacket, you f***!”

There wasn’t any need for attaching either the assumptions or emotions to the fact that Sally’s jacket is missing.  The basic information here is “Sally’s jacket is not where it’s supposed to be.”  An assertive statement from a peer who actually did see someone take it would be “Sally is the only person here who wears that kind of jacket.”  She can simply be informed if the accuser is actually seeing this happen.  Otherwise it is not fact.

When I am working with a person to help measure their knowledge of assertiveness, it helps to make sure we are on the same page with recognition of the basic colors and shapes of objects.

I start out with telling the child “The only thing you have to do is say the color of the card that I lay on the table.”

This is the initial “fact-checking” exercise.

We go through the simplest definition for assertiveness which is “Say what you see.”

From this point, I start introducing scenarios in which there are my attempts to complicate the presenting information.  For example, the child will say the correct color (green) and I will abruptly blurt out, “No, no it can’t be!”

I may even have them follow me around the room and say off the wall statements which have nothing to do with the correct color as I’m placing the cards on the floor.  The main thing aim for the child is to say the correct color.  We’re sticking with what can be seen, period.

The use of assertiveness adds to a child’s sense of personal control.

The strength in fact-finding and this type of thinking (which is amazingly different from our usual style) can be further explored in many different ways.  A number of techniques can utilized through isolating each of the five senses.  This is where the blindfold comes in handy.

For example, I can make many assumptions about an object that someone hands to me while my sight is temporarily rendered useless.  The other person asks me to identify what I am holding.  First we begin with hold it feels (fact), then what it is shaped like (fact).  The weight of an object is more of a guess or an assumption, due to the fact that I don’t have it on a scale.  I wouldn’t be able to read the scale anyway.  Let’s say that the facts are, it has a smooth surface and it’s shaped like an oval.  This is my information.

Now suppose the person tells me that it had been sitting on a dirty bathroom floor.  Well, I wasn’t there to see it sitting on a dirty bathroom floor.  The only information present to me is the way it feels and what shape it is at the moment.  Any thoughts about a dirty bathroom floor are my assumptions about a statement which does not in any way include the facts.  The thoughts are instant-made stories in my head about something which may or may not even be true to begin with.

The sense of hearing can also be venue of which assertiveness can be used as a tool.  It’s not unusual for a person to wildly imagine the most disastrous scenario based on what was said or heard.  People make up stories all the time about events and especially other people.  Those of us who are not asking some hard, investigative questions can be sent on the wrong path to awful thinking.  Or, let’s say that a person calls me “stupid” for a recent or present mistake.  I can quickly get into the process of apologizing or feeling angry (or sad), or I can gather information.

I can also have the other person gather information and come up with facts which support the claim of stupidity.  Chances are the word or description of “stupid” is not going to be found.  But, it does help to role-play this situation with kids in order to establish fact.

The counseling sessions are used to help the kid slow down and really experience his/ her role in life without all the busyness.

David W. Peace, LPC Candidate  2012

The Carbon Copy of What You Want

On any given day and any given moment, you will cross paths with some other person‘s idea of how to live, how to feel and what to think.  This other person could be your spouse, child or best friend.  Either one of them could raise a lot of hell about whatever action you take or verbally express upon, which is different from what he or she wants.  There could be some feelings of guilt or apprehension on your part when stating the disagreement out loud.  The other person may show disapproval through yelling, frowning or physical attack.  The key word is “temporary.”  What is not temporary is the reality behind your original idea for personal wants and needs.  This comes from what makes you tick.

I want you to imagine life five years from now.  How do you want it?  What will you need?  Now apply these wants and needs to your present situation.  What will other people’s disagreeable behaviors and your current feelings about these matter five years from now?  Do you deserve less of a life now, than from five years in the future?

http://www.dpeacepublishing.com

http://dpeacewrite211.wordpress.com/2011/08/23/the-jungle-pac…riced-at-40-00

Jungle Pack printed/ $30.00,  PDF cd/ $15.00

I Choose To Induce Gold Fever

Let me first introduce the emotion called anger.  It only knows to do one thing.  Wherever a threat (real or imaginary) is detected by a person, there is a physical manifestation of discomforting symptoms.  In a world where people disregard personal boundaries, this emotion is a valuable asset.  Now let’s put this aside.  It’s not something we want to carry around while looking for a good time to release the fury.

Anger will be the red-hot signal which indicates a true violation of personal property and space.  But the expression can easily be confused with frustration and maybe even an untreated physical condition like hypertension.  What further compounds the mystery of such expression, is when a child currently lacks the verbal skills to tell about the exact source of anger.  Or he may know something is wrong, but doesn’t believe in himself enough to sound the alarm.  When you think of yourself as a lowly life form, the world does not seem as very supportive.  This adds to the fear of what might happen when you break the news of a “violating” type of behavior, especially when it brings on some weird and uncomfortable feelings.

This is why I have to argue against the freedom with which people throw around the term “conceited.”  We want children to have confidence, yet shame the act of giving one’s self credit for achievements.  There is some sort of fear that one child’s boasting will hurt the feelings of others.  I’m still trying to figure out how this would actually happen.  I really doubt there will be thousands of children who become damaged for years because of Jimmy’s proud announcement of his new tree-climbing ability.  He grew two inches taller and is now able to reach more branches.  This is a real achievement!  Getting taller and stronger is really cool!

The habit of giving a voice to discoveries in personal strength helps to align a person with their true self-image.  The gap between belief and action becomes diminished.  The individual’s mind and body start to see this as normal and a protected way of doing things.  Any violation of personal well-being is now detected as a clear conflict and something which does not belong.  This will give rise to the need for action, which brings along the voice or at least the proper summons of anger.

How would you rather see a child use his alarm system of anger?  What we train ego (defense system) to do is what it follows blindly.  If personal rules require that a person find out what’s really cool and fantastic about himself, this will be the most natural action.  This can happen more often when the adults in a child’s environment are encouraging such a practice.  If the normal thing to do is to dig for gold,  positive self-esteem will most likely be cultivated.  If feeling good about one’s self is the prominent style of living, then anger will be isolated to valid conflicts.

The Playground, Backyard and Blue Ribbons

http://www.dpeacepublishing.com

One of the requirements for my son to pass an assessment for 4-K was to hop on one foot.  This was only one of the skills he had to demonstrate competently in order to score close enough to twenty-seven points.  Most people would probably say “Alright.  So he can hop on one foot.”  Some might ask what the big deal is.  Actually, I did not watch the assessment being done. This information was told to us by the school psychologist at the time.  Zachary had the skills.  And as he went through the year, more of these were becoming honed and mastered as his coordination and strength exceeded.  In a short period of time, he and most of his peers fulfilled the natural path of child development.  New physical and mental feats were accomplished while the inches piled on and their brains grew conditioned to learning how to navigate the school environment.

One year, a child is getting the hang of the monkey bars.  Before you know it, he or she is performing stunts make us cringe and want to run to them and say “Oh, don’t do that!”  Like the time I painstakingly watched Zachary hang from the top bar of the swing set.  He lets go of the bar and I can feel my blood pressure rise from the ankles upon the instant thought of how far he has to drop.  Another awkward moment proves that his achievements are marking a non-stop quest to explore a growing body and how it meets the challenges.  He gets to say “Look at me!”  And I get to say “You did it!”

The Kitchen Timer and My Piece of Mind

http://www.dpeacepublishing.com

Correct me if I’m wrong.  When an adult is asked to play when he’s feeling tired or busy, the first thought that comes to mind is about the amount of time it might take.  Now let’s     put this into more specific context.  An eight-year-old boy asks his father they can play super heroes together.  The father has just walked into the door from a day at the office.  The first thing he wants to do is relax and maybe just get on with light conversation.  Super heroes are not entirely an alien concept to most adult males, but getting right into the game at a moment’s notice requires a call for extra energy.

The immediate predicament in the father’s mind has to do with mystery of how long he is expected to play and how much energy he might have to use before experiencing further tiredness.  There exists the uncertainty of what the boy himself might be expecting.  How much play is going to be enough?  What is the protocol for being a good father in regards to play time?  How does an adult help the child build a structure for other people’s time and his own?

Behold the kitchen timer!  For those who don’t spend much time in the culinary arts at home, it is a cute little device which has a marked, 60 minute dial.  One of my best uses for it, is to set the timer for a desired period after I have told my son that we can play for 30 minutes.  Now he has something to expect. And I don’t have to split our time together between our interaction and my preoccupation with how long this is going to last.  Knowing of the prescribed time frame helps me keep from letting the feeling of impatience rule my life.

Do You Want to Hug or Just Bump Clown Shoes?

http://www.dpeacepublishing.com  An excerpt from the up and coming Generation Bridge Magazine

Hugging is a simple exchange of acknowledgement between two people.  It’s a very simple thing to do really.  The act of one person putting his or her arms around the other is so easy to explain.  And in itself, hugging has no danger in it.  Take away the emotion and personal brand of thinking and what you get is the mechanics of slightly extending the arms with very little strain required.  It is a gesture which signifies the opposite of harm.  Simply put, the hug is a way to connect two people in a moment of time.

But we can as humans make the situation of hugging more complicated than it has to be.  Family members can even manage to choose arguing over something which is much more desirable, comforting and quick to do.  This has a lot to do with unnecessary rules and qualifiers such as the conditions of what has to happen, before affection or acknowledgement can take place.  It’s essentially a bunch of crap.   Picture someone dawning a beekeeper’s suit for the job of watering the average tomato garden in ninety degree heat.  There exists an element of fear in the instance that some comfort might have to be sacrificed.  In the matter of hugging, there is absolutely no threat of bodily damage.  The only other variables we may attach to this action are chosen at the moment.

Each person’s emotional baggage is what often stands in the way of simple physical connections.  To illustrate this for people in therapy, I constructed pairs of overstuffed clown shoes and clown hands for each client to wear (during family sessions).  Yeah, clown shoes and clown hands can be purchased, but I wanted to make sure there was some awkwardness instilled in the process of attempted hugs during the session.  The whole point behind this technique is to illuminate choices available and present a picture of what it’s like for emotions to have a bullying type of role in relationships.  I’m asking: Do you really want to continue to spend extra time straining through simple everyday pleasures and tense interactions the whole day through?  Doesn’t it get old and consuming?  We’re not talking about a total dismissal of feelings and issues.  Conflict between two or more people does in fact exist.  It’s going to exist in the most adjusted of families.

What we are talking about here is the awareness of space in the home we are letting emotions and ego-driven rules occupy.  There really is a place for everything.  If we can think of emotions being like an inboard system of alarm and navigation, there would a way to direct our perceptions to the occurring symptoms.  When we view the symptoms such as palms sweating and skin heating up as having a function, then these can be classified and therefore be separated from matters and situations which don’t call for unnecessary reaction.

The Power of Sex

Sexual desire and anything related to beliefs having to do with potential for sex, are often permitted to be the grand influence towards judgement in our relationships with others.  Can I get an argument?  The key word here is “often.”  Look at the recent choices made and whatever is the sum of those choices are for the last year or so.

My position as a therapist is to help people explore current behavior and how this may connect to personal beliefs.  The reason that a person may have a hard time with talking about sex, is the manner of control it takes on behavior.  Sometimes we lose sight of our role in the everyday range of wants, needs and feelings.  For example, a young man in his twenties is taking cues from everyone among peers and family members on how to act and live.  There are most likely some members of his group who criticize the behavior of others.  He’s busy with listening to what other people say and do and what’s cool and what is not.

Sexual desire has the character of encompassing a person’s senses, as do anger and other emotions.  It can be like wearing a straitjacket.  Unless he is fond of such a predicament, his first action to take may be to seek relief or at least find a way out of it.  What the young man doesn’t see is his own ability to put things into perspective by writing down goals and priorities.

People who are not in the category of his sexual desire or preference, do have a role in the effort to get things done.  Different people in our home, work, school and community environments have their own abilities and source of guidance.  But the individual has to know what he wants and what steps to take.

http://www.dpeacepublishing.com

On Sam Eshaghoff: How We Could Treat The Cheating

Sam Eshagoff has provided a lot of us with the opportunity to exercise fluid thinking and the practice of capitalizing on his strengths.  In the article “SAT taker-for-hire tells 60 Minutes it was easy to cheat” by Selim Alger (posted on the New York Post site), Sam directly informs the interviewer with his story on how the cheating behavior originated.  He outlines the steps taken and his attitude towards the SAT system security.

From this point there is a choice in how to perceive and treat the situation and his behavior.  Whatever perception on this is initiated will most likely be set into habit.  Human beings make decisions and then go on.  The more time that passed, the more concrete this decision and brand of thinking coupled with it becomes.

There are two sides of the fence to stay on in regards to how our perceptions of Sam’s behavior are going to live and breathe.  One is the fighting brand, where we condemn what he did and try to change his mind.  We push against his natural tendency to think a certain way.  We stop trusting.

The other venue of thinking about this is to look for a way to build upon his path and abilities which are already established.  We acknowledge his strengths and keep directing him in the direction of further aid to the rest of community.  The article did mention his service of helping fellow students with academic-related affairs.  I think it is part of his mandated restitution.  It is the type of treatment to a behavior which utilizes society’s intelligence rather than an engagement in useless battles.  This is about the choice to include a person rather than spend lots of energy towards shaming him half to death.

More of my posts which are written about useful connections with others can be seen at http://www.dpeacepublishing.com

Benefits of using the Jungle Pack: Workbook-Therapy Journal

Benefits of Using “The Jungle Pack:

A Therapy Workbook-Journal”

1. Therapist, counselor or clinician spends less time searching for triggers to conversation.

2. The workbook has prompts for conversation which are universally common to any human-being.

3. The workbook-journal is a format for keeping track of verbal and written responses.  It can be used for a reference later in therapy or counseling.

4.  Text is divided into short and easy to read paragraphs.

5. The format is designed to broaden a helpful vocabulary for the client (words are power).

6.  This workbook was written by someone who has experience in the human services over the last 15 years.

7.  Client motivation can be tracked throughout the workbook.

Please go to http://www.dpeacepublishing.com for purchasing instructions.