How I Shift Gears In The Counseling Relationship

Sometimes my aim to help a client get better  is going to require some adaptions to the terrain.  It’s easy to get caught up in my own ideas and forget the age difference between me and the younger person.  I have to stand alongside him/her on common ground.  Which is why it is smart for me to explore the environment for something to agree upon.  The best thing that I can think of is color.  For most of us, the achievement of knowing basic colors is something we did in pre-school and kindergarten.  A large percent of people on my caseload know what green is.  It takes very little effort to name the colors of different objects .  A child can spend quite a bit of time verbalizing his identification of red and blue.  This is a non-threatening avenue of conversation.   

 The color of an object is established as fact.  It links both the child and I to something in the present.  Our relationship is currently based on knowledge that we can share.  And in turn, the practice of sharing is a step we take in a healthy form of interaction.  I have yet to find the limit to possibilities in this area of conversation.  If anything, we can use the concept of color-identification as means of fact-finding, which is part of learning about assertiveness.

 

 

The Carbon Copy of What You Want

On any given day and any given moment, you will cross paths with some other person‘s idea of how to live, how to feel and what to think.  This other person could be your spouse, child or best friend.  Either one of them could raise a lot of hell about whatever action you take or verbally express upon, which is different from what he or she wants.  There could be some feelings of guilt or apprehension on your part when stating the disagreement out loud.  The other person may show disapproval through yelling, frowning or physical attack.  The key word is “temporary.”  What is not temporary is the reality behind your original idea for personal wants and needs.  This comes from what makes you tick.

I want you to imagine life five years from now.  How do you want it?  What will you need?  Now apply these wants and needs to your present situation.  What will other people’s disagreeable behaviors and your current feelings about these matter five years from now?  Do you deserve less of a life now, than from five years in the future?

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Jungle Pack printed/ $30.00,  PDF cd/ $15.00

I Choose To Induce Gold Fever

Let me first introduce the emotion called anger.  It only knows to do one thing.  Wherever a threat (real or imaginary) is detected by a person, there is a physical manifestation of discomforting symptoms.  In a world where people disregard personal boundaries, this emotion is a valuable asset.  Now let’s put this aside.  It’s not something we want to carry around while looking for a good time to release the fury.

Anger will be the red-hot signal which indicates a true violation of personal property and space.  But the expression can easily be confused with frustration and maybe even an untreated physical condition like hypertension.  What further compounds the mystery of such expression, is when a child currently lacks the verbal skills to tell about the exact source of anger.  Or he may know something is wrong, but doesn’t believe in himself enough to sound the alarm.  When you think of yourself as a lowly life form, the world does not seem as very supportive.  This adds to the fear of what might happen when you break the news of a “violating” type of behavior, especially when it brings on some weird and uncomfortable feelings.

This is why I have to argue against the freedom with which people throw around the term “conceited.”  We want children to have confidence, yet shame the act of giving one’s self credit for achievements.  There is some sort of fear that one child’s boasting will hurt the feelings of others.  I’m still trying to figure out how this would actually happen.  I really doubt there will be thousands of children who become damaged for years because of Jimmy’s proud announcement of his new tree-climbing ability.  He grew two inches taller and is now able to reach more branches.  This is a real achievement!  Getting taller and stronger is really cool!

The habit of giving a voice to discoveries in personal strength helps to align a person with their true self-image.  The gap between belief and action becomes diminished.  The individual’s mind and body start to see this as normal and a protected way of doing things.  Any violation of personal well-being is now detected as a clear conflict and something which does not belong.  This will give rise to the need for action, which brings along the voice or at least the proper summons of anger.

How would you rather see a child use his alarm system of anger?  What we train ego (defense system) to do is what it follows blindly.  If personal rules require that a person find out what’s really cool and fantastic about himself, this will be the most natural action.  This can happen more often when the adults in a child’s environment are encouraging such a practice.  If the normal thing to do is to dig for gold,  positive self-esteem will most likely be cultivated.  If feeling good about one’s self is the prominent style of living, then anger will be isolated to valid conflicts.

The Playground, Backyard and Blue Ribbons

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One of the requirements for my son to pass an assessment for 4-K was to hop on one foot.  This was only one of the skills he had to demonstrate competently in order to score close enough to twenty-seven points.  Most people would probably say “Alright.  So he can hop on one foot.”  Some might ask what the big deal is.  Actually, I did not watch the assessment being done. This information was told to us by the school psychologist at the time.  Zachary had the skills.  And as he went through the year, more of these were becoming honed and mastered as his coordination and strength exceeded.  In a short period of time, he and most of his peers fulfilled the natural path of child development.  New physical and mental feats were accomplished while the inches piled on and their brains grew conditioned to learning how to navigate the school environment.

One year, a child is getting the hang of the monkey bars.  Before you know it, he or she is performing stunts make us cringe and want to run to them and say “Oh, don’t do that!”  Like the time I painstakingly watched Zachary hang from the top bar of the swing set.  He lets go of the bar and I can feel my blood pressure rise from the ankles upon the instant thought of how far he has to drop.  Another awkward moment proves that his achievements are marking a non-stop quest to explore a growing body and how it meets the challenges.  He gets to say “Look at me!”  And I get to say “You did it!”

The Kitchen Timer and My Piece of Mind

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Correct me if I’m wrong.  When an adult is asked to play when he’s feeling tired or busy, the first thought that comes to mind is about the amount of time it might take.  Now let’s     put this into more specific context.  An eight-year-old boy asks his father they can play super heroes together.  The father has just walked into the door from a day at the office.  The first thing he wants to do is relax and maybe just get on with light conversation.  Super heroes are not entirely an alien concept to most adult males, but getting right into the game at a moment’s notice requires a call for extra energy.

The immediate predicament in the father’s mind has to do with mystery of how long he is expected to play and how much energy he might have to use before experiencing further tiredness.  There exists the uncertainty of what the boy himself might be expecting.  How much play is going to be enough?  What is the protocol for being a good father in regards to play time?  How does an adult help the child build a structure for other people’s time and his own?

Behold the kitchen timer!  For those who don’t spend much time in the culinary arts at home, it is a cute little device which has a marked, 60 minute dial.  One of my best uses for it, is to set the timer for a desired period after I have told my son that we can play for 30 minutes.  Now he has something to expect. And I don’t have to split our time together between our interaction and my preoccupation with how long this is going to last.  Knowing of the prescribed time frame helps me keep from letting the feeling of impatience rule my life.

Do You Want to Hug or Just Bump Clown Shoes?

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Hugging is a simple exchange of acknowledgement between two people.  It’s a very simple thing to do really.  The act of one person putting his or her arms around the other is so easy to explain.  And in itself, hugging has no danger in it.  Take away the emotion and personal brand of thinking and what you get is the mechanics of slightly extending the arms with very little strain required.  It is a gesture which signifies the opposite of harm.  Simply put, the hug is a way to connect two people in a moment of time.

But we can as humans make the situation of hugging more complicated than it has to be.  Family members can even manage to choose arguing over something which is much more desirable, comforting and quick to do.  This has a lot to do with unnecessary rules and qualifiers such as the conditions of what has to happen, before affection or acknowledgement can take place.  It’s essentially a bunch of crap.   Picture someone dawning a beekeeper’s suit for the job of watering the average tomato garden in ninety degree heat.  There exists an element of fear in the instance that some comfort might have to be sacrificed.  In the matter of hugging, there is absolutely no threat of bodily damage.  The only other variables we may attach to this action are chosen at the moment.

Each person’s emotional baggage is what often stands in the way of simple physical connections.  To illustrate this for people in therapy, I constructed pairs of overstuffed clown shoes and clown hands for each client to wear (during family sessions).  Yeah, clown shoes and clown hands can be purchased, but I wanted to make sure there was some awkwardness instilled in the process of attempted hugs during the session.  The whole point behind this technique is to illuminate choices available and present a picture of what it’s like for emotions to have a bullying type of role in relationships.  I’m asking: Do you really want to continue to spend extra time straining through simple everyday pleasures and tense interactions the whole day through?  Doesn’t it get old and consuming?  We’re not talking about a total dismissal of feelings and issues.  Conflict between two or more people does in fact exist.  It’s going to exist in the most adjusted of families.

What we are talking about here is the awareness of space in the home we are letting emotions and ego-driven rules occupy.  There really is a place for everything.  If we can think of emotions being like an inboard system of alarm and navigation, there would a way to direct our perceptions to the occurring symptoms.  When we view the symptoms such as palms sweating and skin heating up as having a function, then these can be classified and therefore be separated from matters and situations which don’t call for unnecessary reaction.

Stay Off Other People’s Tracks

At any time and any place throughout the world, someone is going to experience emotion.  The emotion of anger is what gets most people’s attention.  For most of us, it is not a pleasurable event to witness up close.  Regardless of what drives the screaming, kicking, throwing or temporary isolation, there is usually a path for such behavior to follow.  In sessions, I produce a small booklet for the client (3-18 years of age) to record observations of family member behavior.  We look at each item for a person’s way of expressing likes and dislikes.

Let’s say that a male adult family member does not like loud noises in the house.  In some homes, this dislike is boldly announced through hitting or screaming at the noise-maker.  Through working on the booklet and it’s purpose for documentation, the child on how to successfully navigate his/ her home environment.  We explore the difference between useless (and potentially harmful) battles and the best situations with parents in the arena of living.

Parents and teachers can learn how to redirect an emotional situation.  Children and adolescents can learn how to do the same through problem-solving and better awareness of emotions.  The main thing to remember in any case is that an individual’s reasons for feeling anger will only make sense to him or herself.

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Split Second Action

One of the functions I made consistent throughout the Jungle Pack Workbook Therapy-Journal, is the user’s ability to transfer thought to action most expeditiously.  My fill-in-the-blank sentences were designed to help the reader grab from immediate thought which runs in accordance to life in the moment.  The terminology cannot be what only makes sense to my level of understanding the field of behavior and counselor.  It has to be written in such a language that makes the reader the expert.  The whole point behind the workbook is for it to be transformed into a personal journal.  The author must only guide and provide space for the person to write.  http:www.dpeacepublishing.com

Points for Uncertainty

My master’s program adviser once told the class that professionals are supposed to be able to tolerate uncertainty. He of course said this after listening to 20 minutes of whining about an upcoming decision in regards to who would be voted onto the next semester. Many of us could relate to feeling and thinking like we were in American Idol.
The measure of tolerating uncertainty can determine the degree to which there is durable change. Quite a bit of work has to be done for a substantial amount of time for a person to get to the other side of an accomplishment. To get this far, there has to be some new learning established. Otherwise we could not really use the term accomplishment to describe something done. It would just be more of the same.
In the process of putting forth the effort towards accomplishment, there may the discomforting self-directed message in regards to what might happen. Will there be yelling? Will I be found out as not good enough or smart enough? Will all my effort be for nothing?
In my position as a therapist and counselor, I get to witness some acts of courage. Some of my clients from the ages five to eighteen venture into a new social status by taking on scary verbal assignments with other people. The courageous part comes from tackling the initial uncertainty of not knowing how the performance of a social act will turn out. This is something to be recognized, supported and praised in a direct manner.

Write it down and move on.

The Jungle Pack: Workbook Therapy-Journal is designed to help undo the mental traffic jam we all tolerate on a daily basis.  It can be validated as an organization tool for the therapist and therapy consumer.  The author recognizes the need for people to have a memory aid and the Jungle Pack provides this, but more importantly there are prompts for which to document information on a personal level.